PSA

Just a PSA That Scott Simion is one of the best friends anyone could ask for. That is all.

Not gonna lie.

I feel like a tremendous failure. I feel like an absolute shitfuck who needs to die.

And I. And I. Idk.

Can I please?

Allllllrighty Then.

So I've spent the past four days flat out hiding from reality. Last week and the week before that were hectic and eventful and omfg can they come back?

But I digress, because there is a point to me trying to post, I guess. The point is more pointless QQing. Because in fact lately all I feell ike doing is crying. And lots of it. I mean, I've completley lost Ashley, that much is obvious. I just. I can't. I can't handle it.

Ugh, what is this. Too much pain, tears, sorrow.

Fuck it. FUCK IT. FUCK IT ALL.

Can someone kill me?

Untitled

I get it. I think. Do I? I don't know.

It may seem at times that the words that come onto this blog, repeatedly, are all depressing, and emo, and shit. Andw ell, that's because a very large portion of my day-to-day thoughts are fairly depressing. But also because I supress them, and let them build up. And it's hard. For me to admit... Sometimes. How weak I am.

I get it.

You don't care. And that's fine. That's perfectly acceptable. But. Why. I dont get why. I never knew it could hurt so much to care about someone. I never knew it could hurt so much to not be cared for by someone you dearly love. I feel abandoned. I feel betrayed. I feel like I scrwed up. I feel like somewhere down the line...

Fuck its let's be honest. That somewhere down the line is always. I always screw up. I always fuck up. I don'tget it. I don't know what else to do. It hurts. To feel so alone. Futility hurts. I don't know what to do. But Give up.

So this is me. Giving up.

Onwards unto the breach

Is basically how I feel about my life atm.

The antidepressants are slowly kicking in. But it's not making things any better because truckload of work is being dumped on my skull every day, from all across the board. It's a new feeling that I despise, and it's only made worse because I know that the only reason I'm there is because it's my fault, because I was depressed. I should have been stronger, is what I tell myself. I dont think I'll be bale to do everything I need to this semester, to keep my grades up. We'll see, but I doubt it. My grades have already plummeted real badly as a result of my depression, so getting them back up at this point, while not impossible, is unlikely. So. Shitballs.

And although the edge has gone off and I'm now capable of functioning, it's not really 100%, and it's not without it's interruptions of sheer agony. Idk what to do about it, or the new way of expressing despair that my body has. Idk why or how but I get strong pangs of despair, depression, loneliness, sorrow, etc, all at once. Briefly, never more than five minutes, but they hit like a ton of bricks. And they hit all of me, my body including. I feel sluggish when it happens and everything hurts as a result. Idk how to deal with it. It's just, painful.

I'm really, really tired. I feel like I'm not even walking forwards anymore, just, dragging my limp body as best I can.

I Still. Don't know. Who I am?

I want to know. I want to be ok with the answer. I want to be ok with myself.

But I just looked back, and y'know what I found?

I'm nothing. I'm a failure. And my life amounts to one big failure of me failing to do a damn thing properly. At what point can I stop trying? It's tiring. I can't. I can't keep moving forwards like this. Not like this.

I know people say that I'm doing decent, and that I've worked hard. But it's not. Not enough. I've never achieved a single thing I /wanted/ in life. Not a one. I always have to settle for third, or fourth best. I'm absolutely terrible. I can do better. But I never do. I always sabotage myself, on purpose or not. And it's terrible. And I'm terrible.

And I'm tired. I'm so tired.

Can I. Take a break yet?

At what point

Should I begin to stand up for myself?

I love her deeply, but she causes me, more often than not, more pain and sorrow than happiness. Her actions, despite her words, betray negative motivations. I'm torn between what to believe, and it continues to hurt. At the moment I'm stuck in a limbo of sorts, waiting on her to stop being angry at me for, what I'm supposing is calling her in the middle of the night? I'm sorry that I really badly needed someone, and thought I could rely on her.

Idk. So confused. So many emotions and I don't know how to deal with a single damn one of them. They take their toll and not-so-slowly tear me apart from the inside-out. And I have no way god damned way of dealing with them. Not right now, not while she's not willing to talk.

But is she ever willing to talk? Is the question. My greivances, if you will, are never addressed in anything remotely related to a civil manner. All attempts at civility are met with belligerence and an absolute unwillingness to cooperate. So what do I do? I don't know.

I'm confused, lost, and praying for a miracle. Praying harder than I should, forcing every ounce of mental capacity I have, into figuring this out. But I just. Can't. I don't know. I really don't.

How much longer can I go on without sleep, unable to keep food down, and in blinding emotional and mental pain?

I fucked up

Moving forwards

I need to try to keep on moving like I have... And I think I'm equipped to do it. I just. I just hope that I can continue to count on my friends, and those I deem as my best friends, as I do so.

I think... I think I've gained one of my best friends back, Ashley. I hope? Maybe? We'll see...

Nope. I'm a fabulous piece of shit.

What's really the matter with me?

I find myself wondering, often, in recent days, whats wrong with me.

I'm hyper: aware, anxious, and depressed. But why? I know stress is definitely a part of it. And if I had to be perfectly honest with myself, a large part of it is because of insecurities, loss, and uncertainty. This post, may be one of the more brutally honest posts I make on here, not sure yet, but that's what it's feeling like. Because I feel like there's a few posts that I'm intentionally vague about not fool any non-existent reader, but to fool myself. So here goes.

A lot of it revolves around Ash, and all the shit that goes on there.
Admittance #1: I've had to come to terms with the fact that I've been head over heels in love with her since I met her. I've repressed it before, and I'm sure I will again, but, that's a thing. It's confusing because it's just not ok. Not ok at all.
Admittance #2: I'll be honest, I had a 2 two hour crying fest last night between me and my pillow. I lost my best friend, I lost a sister. And having to come to terms with that sucks. I hadn't really registered it until she came back for a few days, where I felt like she was back, and just as quick as she was here, she left. And it made me aware of what was lost, and why it hurts so much. And why it's a source of a lot of issues. I miss her, a lot. and I miss her more when I'm with her. It's not ok. I can't ok, I really can't. I don't let people in often, or easily. I don't. And then. This. And just. Losing someone that means more to me than actual Family, it's... Not ok, it's really not.
Admittance #3: I know. From. Her Actions. From her words. From the universe at large. The boat's sailed, she does not consider me even a friend on an average day, an acquiantance, and treats me as such. On a good day she does, but to quote Will, I get a friend "less than 20% of the time" and I pick up on it regardless of whether or not I'm conscious of why it bothers me, and it does. And it just... I'm sorry but it hurts to all high hells. It hurts to give someone everything you have to give, and, get nothing.
Admittance #4: I haven't forgiven myself. I haven't forgotten. I'm a terrible human being. I am. I... Everything that's ever happened between us, I can't forget, and I can't forgive my mistakes. I can't forgive squandering it all away, I can't. I'm so sorry, more sorry than I can imagine. I owe an infinite number of apologies to Ashley, for what I've done, and hope one day she can forgive me, and I owe myself equally as many for being such a terrible person and not doing what I should have done, not staying with her, for being a dumb ass. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that. I've spent the past year doing everything in my power to make up for what I've done, to rebuild what was once there, to try to do it stronger. but it just. It's not enough. It'll never be enough. I'll never be enough.
Admittance #5: I love her. She doesn't care about me. Not anymore. And that's why it hurts so much. I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry, all I have to left to offer are words because I'm out of actions, I've done everything in my power. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry

Nope, we were right.

Was I wrong?

Something's been weighing on my mind, something that disappointed me and bothered me because it meant absolute futility. And resistance is also futile, as they say, so, I just went with it and accepted it. Someone told me something, and it rang of truths. It was dark and depressing, as truths often are.

But. I. Might have been wrong. If I was, I think I'd be ecstatic. And hopeful.

And THAT scares me. Hope has the bad habit of back firing on me. Every time I've been hopeful for any change, it doesn't happen, and I get slingshotted pretty far backwards. But. It's here and stuff. So whatever. Onwards we go. Yes?

This is, on a matter completely different from the revelation that occurred a couple nights, that broke the dam and left me pretty damn vulnerable. It is kind of related in a weird sense, but not really. Has nothing to do with the fact.

That moment when...

When you have to sit down and re-analyze one or more aspects of your realize because something that's always been in your face and you had begun to take for granted and get used to, once again flares to remind you exactly how important it is to you.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't spent the past 24 hours being bitchslapped by the facts of how important a certain someone is to me, how much they mean to me, and how easily I worried about them. Is worry about the right word? I knew they'd be fine (for the most part) and knew that it probably wasn't something bad, but still I worried. Not for any final state, but for the simple fact that they were in great pain. That alone made me worry and distressed. I wanted to be by their side and make their lives as comfortable as possible and do as much as I can.

I believe I did just that, and I'm glad that they're doing better now. So glad.

I just wish helping them hadn't come at the price of being smacked in the face by other things that needn't say the light of day.

Con and more.

Megacon was this past weekend. It was fun enough. Still. Wish I hadn't gone. Too many reasons why. Entirely too many reason. Had to stop running away from one lie I had been telling myself. Really wish I could avoid it, really wish I could go back to pretending it didn't exist. But the cat's out of the bag. So now I've got to start pushing everything back into it' "Doesnt Exist" closet. Because there are things in life that one has to deal with in the worst possible manner, because otherwise nobody wins. So that happened. Con was generally an ok experience with conecntrated, poignant moments of extreme depression that were substantiated.  Overall: No bueno.

On second thought. It really wasn't that bad. Wasn't that bad at all.

Can one ever truly make up for their sins against another? If you've wronged a person, is it ever possible to do right by them again? I don't think so. But I'm trying my best. Even if only to counteract the negative impact on their lives with an equal positive impact. Even if they don't recognize me, I'll keep trying. Not much else I can do.

On Logic Cannons and Emotions

Clarification: On AVERAGE, the only emotions I can claim to be genuinely capable of registering, are Anger and Sorrow. Sorrow comes easy, anger even more so. And they feed each other. Anger seems to be my default mode, not even on purpose, nor is there a reason for it, just is. And I am definitely capable of feeling the extremes of each.

But I've noticed, sorrow comes at the end of a failed Logic Cannon attempt. I tend to attempt to solve things first by powering up the logic cannon and firing, and I've realized something: Nobody likes logic, and nobody likes being told their emotional state is wrong. I mean it can be, and it often is, but nobody likes, and nobody responds in kind, and things get bad, and then when logic fails I go "Well Fuck wtf wtf wtf" and yay depression.

I seem to think that objective, flat logic, is undeniable. And yet, the human condition makes it easily deniable. And that frustrates me. And causes anger and sorrow. And I just give up.

So idk, I really don't know anymore. How to deal with people.

And yet I need to.

FML.

Who am I?

Just watched the sun go up. Had an interesting conversation with Vicky. Once again leaving me wondering, who am I?

There's a post a while back down, the mirror-self one, that basically sums itself up as "I'm who you think I am, who I think I am, and who I am." So, a whole bunch of flat out nothing. Because that's all there is to me: Nothing. I'm constantly disappointed with myself, no exceptions. No matter what I do, no matter what praise I may get, or lack thereof, I always am disappointed with my choices. I think it's just a factor of being "me"? There are admittedly things that I find myself being "ok" with. Not happy with, but, ok. Scenarios where things are physically and 100% out of my control, there's not much point in being disappointed, just gotta say "Ok" and move on.

But where does that leave me? Still moving forwards towards hell knows what. I have this idea, these words and outside constructs of what I should be aiming for, and so I do, but to what ends? What I want is to not feel alone. And yet, that is exactly how I feel of late. Perfectly and totally alone, and it drives me crazy. I both need and fear change. I need it because I bore of people, of my surroundings. But I fear it because those that I manage not to bore of, I dare not dream of losing. And yet still I live on in limbo.

I find myself ready to take risks on any number of things, except, they all require a second participant for it to occur, so I can't take any. So I stay in boredom. I stay in loneliness. And again, where does that leave me?

Yearning, hurting, waiting. That's where I'm at. For too many things.

There are things, things I am grateful for. People I am glad I know, people that I know can lighten my mood. And to them, I give my eternal gratitude, and love. I am not an easy person to know, nor am I someone who quite frankly gives a flying shit about most people, but there are some, that I do care about, that I try my best to make myself passable, friendly.

So it leaves me with friends, and yet it's not enough. Why? I don't think I know.

Because, I have doubts because I know that for all of them, I am always below someone else. So I can't be ok with it. If I am nobody's, even close to, #1, then it doesn't matter. Because that's the level of care and dedication I am capable of giving, it's that or nothing, and I get nothing in return regardless of what I put in. At least, it feels that way. Often.

So what do I feel?

That's another thing. I don't. There are things that should make me feel certain ways. But I seem to be unable of recognizing, or just flat out registering and feeling, too many emotions. So I try to logic them into existence. With mixed results. But more on logic later.

I'll leave it here for now. It's late, I'm tired. Gonna go nap then work on more Santi stuff.

Stress Life Sheisse

Too many projects, too much hw, not enough time. I try to enjoy myself with what time I can, but I'm well aware that every hour I spend not working on hw is an hour terribly used. But I'm aloud to have to have some fun, am I not?

Really wish I had friends that were you know, not fucking retarded. So I could go out to beaches/parks etc on days like this for the hell of it, and not people that I eithe rjust don't fucking want to deal with, period, or people that are like "EEK THE SUN" >_>

I also wish death upon all those who decided to make me lose an hour yesterday, fuck all of you whores for that.

I made a couple realizations these past few days. Their not macabre and miserable as usual, it'd be safer to refer to them as... sad, intriguing, and telling. Mainly sad. Or Pathetic. Your call. I'll make naother post about them later at some point. Eventually. I shall! Just, cba atm.

And don't you know I'm not a ghost anymore. You lost the loved I loved the most.

This song just showed up on pandora. Confusing feels. YAY FOR BEING HYPER-AWARE OF FUCKING EVERYTHING. Go away. Just die in a fire pandora, gdiaf.

I guess.

I'm coming to the realization. That. Even I need someone to show me a little bit of affection. Every now and again. It rarely happens. Actually it flat out almost never happens. And I don't think I can keep on going on feeling like I'm fighting a battle by myself, my closest allies to far away to do a damn thing. it gets old, and tiring. And I forgot how much it sucked.

Please come back.

Oh lookie

Me: Next time you call Ash a bitch queen in front of me, idc why, you can safely forget I exist.
L: Wait what?
L: Seriously? Cause treats you like crap and thats not right. But I won't say anything in your presence.
Me: Idc. I still care about her so, that's that.
L: But why? She uses you!
Me: I know
L:So why do you care about her so much?
Me: because I do? It's really quite simple
L: But it's not logical
Me: I love her to death. Everyone deserves at least one person, outside of their family, that'll unconditionally care for them. That's it. No more to it.
L: But nobody deserves to put their heart and soul into a person and have it thrown around repeatedly.
Me: *Shrug* If that's so then its my cross to bear. She put up with me before, repaying the favor is the least i can do.

Copy/Pasta from a Text message conversation I just had with someone. I don't think I'm doing anything out of the norm, or anything special. I don't see why standing up for one's friend is such a big deal. Idk. Maybe I'm craycray.

Fall out from it? Three people are now yelling at me. Sigh :/

Welp

Stress levels are tumbling clear out of control. They're not going to stabilize. Idk, the anxiety's getting to me but I have to keep on moving onwards. Too much work, it's getting harder to handle, but I have to. Just, gotta make it through.

I often find myself asking: Why? If, I feel so unbelievably alone, what am I aiming for? Why am I aiming for it? I don't know anything anymore. I really don't, and it's starting to tax me, bad. Tired of everything, really badly.

This paragraph was going to be a list of things I want to do, a list of things I want to move on for, but I guess there's not? I couldn't name anything, despite how hard I tried. The only thing I look forward to is an end. And a new beginning, I guess. But both vague, and impossible and only going to grow more so. I don't enjoy anything anymore.

UGH THIS STRESS IS GETTING TO ME. Stress and one other thing is just making me batshit crazy. Fuck all these noises. Fuck it ALL. I'm gonna go take a nap.

I want to go back

I want to go back to simpler times.
Times where I knew what I was doing.
Or times when I didn't worry about people
Or times when I didn't care about myself
Or times when my future was too far for me to care
Or times when I didn't have a truckload of baggage to carry.
Or times when I was happy.
Or times when I didn't know.

Basically. I hate the now. That's not always been the case. But it is now. And it's scary, and terrible, and I hate it. And Idk how to handle it in the least.  I just. I'm confused. Really confused.

I wish I had more of an idea what I was doing. I wish I could link my mind to others and let them know the world as I see it, as I feel it, as I fear it. Maybe then, I'd feel less alone.

In other news, wrecking myself to make sure I continue to trust people, is hard. Really hard.

"Well, are you still holding on?"

Yeah Scott. I'm holding on.

Am I holding on well? Fuck knows. I'm dealing with things a day at a time. Taking my punches and dealing with it. I plan for things as they come, I plan for the mays and may nots, I plan for the impossible and the unavoidable. Not that any of it can prepare for me truly for life, but I pretend, and I struggle on.

I find it not a flaw, but one of the few positive traits I possess, the degree to which I find myself loyal. It may be taken to unhealthy extents at time, and it may cause me to keep people at arm's length, but it makes those few I let in that much more precious to me, that much more important. And thus I'll be loyal to those, as long as they'll accept me. Although it might be a side effect of me being pretty stubborn, but I'll take it.

I've never felt this naked before, before certain individuals, and that's fine. I chose to do it, and I'll stand by my decision. So far it's done nothing leaning towards biting me in the butt, but so be it. It's terrifying, and painful, but I'll deal with it.

I make decisions in hopes of them paying off, eventually. I'm trying to be a better person with everything I got. And it's hard. And too often I just want to throw in the towel say fuck it and crawl into my corner and sleep away the world, but, I'll keep on going on. Not sure for what, or why. But I do

So yeah Scott, I'm still in one piece. Thanks to you, and the handful of others I call friends.

Alcohol?

"Here you go talking again about getting drunk, and yet you say you would kill yourself if you weren't smart" - Ashley

Erm. She said this a few days ago, and it kind of smacked me in the face all too strongly. I mean. I'm still drinking right now, but, it took a while before I touched alcohol again, and only because today was a day that can just go fuck itself.

But, idk. It kind of really smacked me in the face. It's not that I'm not aware of it, or that it hasn't been said before. It's just never been said that... bluntly? Idk. Am I harming myself for drinking as I do? Probably, I've probably already severely hurt myself. And I knew I was doing it, but why did I do it?

If I had to say why, it's because I just can't tolerate being me, some days. Some days being me is the last person I want to be, and I need help to get by. And I can't just say "Hey, look, I'm having a day where I really just want to kind of off myself" to anyone" so I just drink my sorrows away. That way I avoid curling up in bed and just sleeping the rest of the day away.

Or maybe it's because, I don't plan on living long enough for it to affect me? As morbid as it might be, I have never been able to see myself... Getting old. The fact I turn 21 in a week is crazy. Really crazy. There's one thing I want to ask for on that day, but we'll see if I have the werewithal. I never thought I'd live to hit 18, and I swore that hell would have to freeze over if I lived to 21. Yet here I am, and it's scary.

Why is it scary? For the same reason I can never see myself growing older than I am. Because, I have too many flaws, I can not deal with. The only things that keep me going is the knowledge that one day, I will no longer be harming people, I will no longer be a burden, I will no longer have to tolerate myself. I've spent too long working on who I am, trying to form myself into a person I like more, but it just, doesn't seem to happen. I can never be happy with who I am at the moment. There was one, short lived moment, where it happened, a year ago, for a couple months, and then everything just crashed and burned. Alas, c'est la vie. Is it not?

I just... Don't think myself competent, smart, or stable enough to hold a steady, individual existence after college. I'm scared, and with good reason to be. I feel like a failure. Because I know my potential, and I know I fail to meet that potential, and good enough is never enough for me. So I just... Can't...

Do or Do not. There is no Try. 

I guess, I just don't.

Still. There's a long way between now and my 30th. And considering I'm in a substantially better position than I was when I was 16, or 18, who knows. And I guess that's what keeps me going, because maybe, just maybe, there's a chance I'll continue progressing in a positive direction as a human being. And that chance is what I keep fighting for, what keeps me going, what stops me from doing something stupid. Maybe I'm not all that bad. But only time will tell.

And so the clouds part, and life goes on.

Welp. Where to start?

OH HEY LOOK MY DIARY IS AN EMO FEST AGAIN. Why am I not surprised? Because I have people with which I can share the good with, but very few I feel comfortable with burdening with my problems. So I grab it all and I chuck at these pages, these posts. And I hope it's as cathartic as I want it to be. It's often not, but it helps things quiet down enough that I can move on. For the time being?

So what needs to be said? Idk. I revealed my hand. Not much more to say than that. This was a problem which, the only way I could possibly fix it, real time, in a lasting manner, was to play with my cards revealed. Was that a bright idea? We'll see. We shall see. But, other than that, not much more can be said. I'm out of moves, as per se, on the front that has been troubling me for all too long. The struggle, for better or for worse, is over at least for now. I've raised the sails and let the sea of fate take me as it will, for now. For these waters were too unpredictable and tricky. May Poseidon shine down upon us all, as it were!

I'm working on too much. I don't think I've slept much this past weekend, deciding to socialize instead of work and work instead of the sleep. I wish I had that picture that says "Choose two, Social Life, Sleep, Good Grades" on a triangle. Because it's accurate. Oh well, it's worth it, in the long run.

I wish I had more money.

And uhm. There's that bday party thing in a couple weeks. I'm on the one hand looking forwards to it, on the other hand, I fear the day for it marks the union of entirely too many... Volatile elements, as it were, in one confined area, with alcohol involved. Guess whose staying sober? This nigga right here.

Sup, Ash?

Hey Ash.

So, I want you to read this post, and whatever parts of this blog you can be bothered to read. I'm passing you this link and making you read it, for no reason other than that I want you to understand, if nothing else, one thing. You have always seen the real me. There are certain people, who I always let see the real me, so that they can keep me in check by simply existing. You've always been one of them. Just a few weeks ago, you told me you knew better than that, but apparently something changed. So even if you can't trust me, I trust you. And that, is enough for me.

You want actions? This is not only the best I can do, after this, I have nothing left to show you who I truly am, because this is it. This is the end of the line. The only other person that ever reads this, is Scott. That's it! I haven't shown one of these (I tend to cycle a new one every few years. The last one was filled with Tori shit, if you're so inclined to dig through it >_<) to anyone in a long time. But I trust you. So here. My collection of inner most thoughts, whinings, what have you. W/e. With this, I'm basically handing you my diary and a permanent key to my soul?

Know that I trust you, regardless of anything else. This is it. There are no masks beyond what I show here. No lies, no deceptions. I've tried my best to make sure you only ever see the "real" me, whatever that is, and this is the finish line. After this I have no more secrets hidden from you. Whether or not you want to believe it, is completely up to you. I physically can not do any more.

Now go, click a few links, skim a bit. Read around. Idk. Stuff.

Welp Vat Zee Fuck?

Shit goes down again and again, and this time I find myself more lost. I can find no fault in my actions, neither can those I've asked, but yet I stand before my accuser, judge, jury, and executioner, and my words fall on deaf ears. I think that might be my karma. Idk. I'm lost, confused, and can only form straight thoughts in between bouts of sheer agony and despair (YAY OPIATES IN THE BRAIN. Fuck)

I need help. Not sure for what, or from what, or why. But I know I need it.

What's going on?

There's something wrong, I know not what. It is something that festers within me, it is when matters of the heart and the social self overshadow the matters of the future. The future, which should be all one aims for, is currently being clouded. And despite being fully aware of it, and being aware that the cloud will move with elbow grease, it shall not budge. It shall not move away, it shall not relent, it shall not forget. It grows darker, and bigger, with every given day.

And still, full disclosure of the situation is made. Still, nothing is done. Not for a lack of trying, but for a lack of willpower. For a lack of willpower will always drown out one's attempts to fight against the opponent, whatever it may be.

But is it really an opponent? Possibly. If there was such a way that assimilating the cloud into the greater schema, would be possible, then there would be progress without the need for willpower. But such an option dose not seem to show itself. So nothing is left to be done, but to sit, and wait. Despite being fully armed to deal with it. To be able to regain forward momentum.

Nothing happens, and the cloud grows. It grows and it grows. To what end? Nobody knows. One would hope, rain. For after the rain, comes the sun. And thus one can move forwards again.

Stuck. Lost. Confused. Afraid.

Deathly Afraid.

Alone:

What do I mean by me saying Im alone? Whenever I say it around people, they're always like "Well stop being such a douchebag to everyone else" or "Stop pushing away" --- The Second I've been doing, but I have no intention of accomplishing the first, ever.

I don't /care/ about having a bunch of people to open up to. I don't want a bunch of friends. Because I hate most people, and most people are just flat out not worth my fucking time. Period. Idgaf. If I think someone IS worth my time, I make it a point to make them feel like I'm not hostile towards them, and I make it a point to be friendly to them and actually try around them, because I value their continued existence in my life.

But. What do I do when the people in my life that I've decided to let in and trust, keep me at arms length?

I don't know. I really don't, and it hurts, but there's nothing I can do about it. I have trust issues, and it takes certain people for me to be able to trust anyone, and just. Ugh...

I wish I could fix things. More than anything in the world.

I must not fear.Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain

Thoughts

In a moment of clarity, I find myself with the capacity to say this.

There is someone in this world, whom I dearly love. And, love is the right for word for it. In too many senses of the word. And it's a terrible feeling. Absolutely terrible. It's done me no good. It's confusing, it's agonizingly painful, it's astonishing.  I hate it. But I can't bring myself to do anything about it. I am not capable of causing myself that much pain. I am not capable of giving up that badly. I am not capable of burning bridges thoroughly enough.

Unrelated:
I regret many things I've done, and continue to. I feel, at times, I have little control over myself. I hate that too.

Unrelated:
I want to be better, so bad. I try. I do. But I fail. So it matters not.

Unrelated:
I apologize too much, sometimes.

Thought of the Day

Am I really unhappy?
-To what degree?
Better question.
-Are you confused?
Quite. I'd say I'm more confused than I am unhappy. But I hate being confused. So it feeds into the unhappiness.
-What confuses you?
Life. Stuff. Too much.

So. Thought of the day:
Why am I unhappy? Why am I confused?
                                How can I FIX it?

Discrepancies between the Self, and the Mirror-Self

So. To this date, nobody has/will read this other than 1ish people? WHICH IS WHY I TREAT THIS AS MY PERSONAL CRYFEST. Because outside of this, only one individual has bitching rights, because he's the only one who hears any part of it xD So, thats why I'm doing this one. In a response, whether warranted or not, and, as a clarification to myself, because, as Abstract ideas floating around in my head, all's fine and dandy, but as I write things out, I feel like my brain is a hungry lioness on the prowl and pounces at all opportunities. Pounces at the chance to create mental links, links that can't otherwise be creative at traditional thinking speed, because it's too fucking fast. VS slowing oneself down to the physical limitations of one's body and technology xD

ANYHOO.

There is a significant difference, between who we view ourselves as (the self) and how the world views us (the mirror-self). There is a socio/psychological principle, that states the person who makes up the being that is oneself, is not just how that individual views himself, but how others view them. It's why we're capable of predicting and in some cases carry out conversations with individuals in our heads, because we too hold a piece of them, and they hold a piece of us. In theory anyways. The fact is that how an indivudal perceives himself, and how the world perceives them, are two radically different things.

The individual understands his motives, his direction, his start. Whether it is accurate or not, matters not, for as far as the self goes, one will always think one is accurate, because who is to judge? None but the self. In theory, anyways. So that said, we have this image of who we are, the good, the bad, etc.

But then there's how we think the world views us. How we believe the collective consciousness of the world reacts to the entity that is us. This view, is not only usually the harsher of the two, it's the one that people like myself, who suffer from the duality of both believing we're inherently decent (or in some cases better, aka ego) and we're also inherently a pile of shit. Because while we may meet our own, personal goals, we do not live in a vacuum. We can not live in a vacuum. We can not live without other living beings. But yet, those others hold a seperate view of what we've coined as reality, so what gives?

Some people, manage to re conciliate the two, and turn the shortcomings into goals. Or just accept it, and ignore the world. These people we tend to see as egotistical or highly self-depreciating, (note: OR, not AND, || != & != + [Fuck off, programming]) because they will accept one view as law, and end it there. Others can't discard either, but also can't settle on one. Because both are equally viable views, and both views are, to some extent, true. And they always will be because WE DO NOT EXIST ENTIRELY WITHIN OURSELVES. We always be influenced by our surroundings, which includes how others perceive us as.

Now, holding these two views, creates the AND scenario of both being proud/narcisstic, AND self-depreciating because hey, there's gotta people that hate us, there's gotta be people that we're below, there's gotta be things we just fail at, and goals we failed at. So which do we judge ourselves by? Who knows.

I'm in the last group, nowadays at least. To an extent? I know, from having done it in the past, that if you feign something long enough, it slowly becomes true, as far as personality aspects go. So I've undergone a transformation these past few years, one I can tell. I've always been something of a jerk, I know this. But it's never been substantiated? I started college with the full idea of breaking out of my shell and radically change who I was. To what? Fuck, I didn't know, but I knew that it wasn't going to be who I was prior. I can say that I honestly hated myself, and I knew I had no value, to myself or otherwise. Around those whom I hung out with, at the time being strictly online, it was easy to hide this, to some extent. It was also hard to believe anything I said, so there was never any confidence.

Now, in college, it doesn't matter what I do or say, I throw myself at things with the full force of who I am, and my believes, behind it. I constantly destroy my comfort zone and force it to reform. Is it smart? Probably not. What I've created is, a world where I do not know who I am. I do not know who I am because nobody knows. If two people described my personality, you could very easily complete opposite descriptions, and they wouldn't know they'd be talking about the same person.

I... Forgot where I was going with this? And also, am increasingly realizing exactly how... For lack of a better phrase, how much I've lowered myself, in terms of intellectual ability, to "fit in." Because I know I'm full and well capable of roflstomping the living shit out of everyone around me in intellectual matters, but, that doesn't yield remotely positive results. And I knew this, and I hid it. But as a result, I don't get as much practice, so I've gotten rusty, and I've gotten accustomed to dealing, and being with, dumbasses, that the one aspect of myself I was always sure of, I couldn't be anymore. I HAVE made strides in repairing this in the past few months. This time last month I first realized this, and as a result I made the conscious decision to regain at least some of it, and if I piss off some of the blubbering dumbfucks that surround me, so be it. And of course, it has, but I quickly decided that I don't want people that I have to dumb myself down for to that extent, around me.

Idk. Life.

Look down, look down! 
Don't look them in the eye!
Look down, look down,
You're standing in your grave.

So

My mind's been doing this... Thing, recently. This spiral into nowhere, not down, not up, just going around in circles with no real purpose. It's been chaotic, and focusing and shit was really hard. Like within the spiral there were downs and shit, and it was all stemming from weeks of introspections and selfrealizations. Also stress is a bitch.

But I felt like the plug on the cyclone's been pulled, and it's all going down, down, down, down.

So here I go, again.

That feel when you wake up...

... And want to be everyone but yourself.

Alicia

My time with Alicia draws to a close, and I kind of both want it to end so I can go about my own life, but I don't.

Because she really is a good friend, and the whole friends with  benefits things with her is perfect for me. And I'm going to miss her. I realized last semester not having easy access to cuddles makes me a really sad mofo. Yay? No Idk. I just... Need physical contact.FUCK.

Also its been a lot of fun... FML ._.

And yet, Time pays me no heed!

No matter how I pray, beg nor harass Father Time, he remains as unrelenting as ever. Much to my chagrin. But what am I to hope for, in all fairness? That the powers that be break the laws of time and space for me? That would be too much. And so I am at it's mercy. It rushes by too fast and yet crawls at the same time. The days feel like they can go on forever, and yet I find myself with not enough hours in the day.

And it leaves me scared. For I know the future will come, with whatever ills and boons it may, it will come. And I fear what comes, for I fear myself. I fear the consequences of my choices, I fear the choices I will have to make, I fear the life I lead. And yet it is the only one I have, so I must press forwards. Lost, confused, and scared. Oh ever so scared.

Maybe one day, I will find a place where I feel comfortable. But between now and then lay many days, many years probably! For I fear such a place will not exist for me, till I lie in my grave. For we all move forwards, in hopes of better days. But they never come. Tomorrow, will never be today. And so we will never find that which we look for, until we stop searching. And I am sad to say that my Today is the stuff of misery and hell, with no escape. 

So I fear time. For it will never pass fast enough, nor slow enough. 

Oh Dreams. How Terrible you are.

I dreamed last night. A pervasive, continuing dream, regardless of how often I woke up. And now I can't shake it while conscious. I can't shake it's impact, it's message, it's content. And I want nothing more than to forget it's existence. How cruel they were, and have been! For it is not the first of it's type in the past year, and I'm sure it won't be the last.

They show me a world that could have been. A world that could be. A world where something went right down the line... A world where I have not lost. At least. Not lost this in particular. This bit of hope, this bit of happiness, this bit of love. But no, alas, it is not to be. And yet how it haunts me so! Drives me mad in the wee hours of the night. Leaves me praying for more, paralyzed and blind, for fear of waking. As once vision has been restored to me, misery washes over me.

And yet life moves on. Nothing can be done about it now or ever, and such is life. So I wake, and go about my days, pretending they weren't there, knowing here on earth, it can never be so. Never. Not with that which haunts my dreams, nor any else. For such is a life that is not meant for me. Not meant for the wicked, for the busy, for the lost.

And yet I dream. And yet I wake. Neither, I am allowed to escape. Neither, offer me solace. And never will they. For such is life.