Who am I?

Just watched the sun go up. Had an interesting conversation with Vicky. Once again leaving me wondering, who am I?

There's a post a while back down, the mirror-self one, that basically sums itself up as "I'm who you think I am, who I think I am, and who I am." So, a whole bunch of flat out nothing. Because that's all there is to me: Nothing. I'm constantly disappointed with myself, no exceptions. No matter what I do, no matter what praise I may get, or lack thereof, I always am disappointed with my choices. I think it's just a factor of being "me"? There are admittedly things that I find myself being "ok" with. Not happy with, but, ok. Scenarios where things are physically and 100% out of my control, there's not much point in being disappointed, just gotta say "Ok" and move on.

But where does that leave me? Still moving forwards towards hell knows what. I have this idea, these words and outside constructs of what I should be aiming for, and so I do, but to what ends? What I want is to not feel alone. And yet, that is exactly how I feel of late. Perfectly and totally alone, and it drives me crazy. I both need and fear change. I need it because I bore of people, of my surroundings. But I fear it because those that I manage not to bore of, I dare not dream of losing. And yet still I live on in limbo.

I find myself ready to take risks on any number of things, except, they all require a second participant for it to occur, so I can't take any. So I stay in boredom. I stay in loneliness. And again, where does that leave me?

Yearning, hurting, waiting. That's where I'm at. For too many things.

There are things, things I am grateful for. People I am glad I know, people that I know can lighten my mood. And to them, I give my eternal gratitude, and love. I am not an easy person to know, nor am I someone who quite frankly gives a flying shit about most people, but there are some, that I do care about, that I try my best to make myself passable, friendly.

So it leaves me with friends, and yet it's not enough. Why? I don't think I know.

Because, I have doubts because I know that for all of them, I am always below someone else. So I can't be ok with it. If I am nobody's, even close to, #1, then it doesn't matter. Because that's the level of care and dedication I am capable of giving, it's that or nothing, and I get nothing in return regardless of what I put in. At least, it feels that way. Often.

So what do I feel?

That's another thing. I don't. There are things that should make me feel certain ways. But I seem to be unable of recognizing, or just flat out registering and feeling, too many emotions. So I try to logic them into existence. With mixed results. But more on logic later.

I'll leave it here for now. It's late, I'm tired. Gonna go nap then work on more Santi stuff.