What's really the matter with me?

I find myself wondering, often, in recent days, whats wrong with me.

I'm hyper: aware, anxious, and depressed. But why? I know stress is definitely a part of it. And if I had to be perfectly honest with myself, a large part of it is because of insecurities, loss, and uncertainty. This post, may be one of the more brutally honest posts I make on here, not sure yet, but that's what it's feeling like. Because I feel like there's a few posts that I'm intentionally vague about not fool any non-existent reader, but to fool myself. So here goes.

A lot of it revolves around Ash, and all the shit that goes on there.
Admittance #1: I've had to come to terms with the fact that I've been head over heels in love with her since I met her. I've repressed it before, and I'm sure I will again, but, that's a thing. It's confusing because it's just not ok. Not ok at all.
Admittance #2: I'll be honest, I had a 2 two hour crying fest last night between me and my pillow. I lost my best friend, I lost a sister. And having to come to terms with that sucks. I hadn't really registered it until she came back for a few days, where I felt like she was back, and just as quick as she was here, she left. And it made me aware of what was lost, and why it hurts so much. And why it's a source of a lot of issues. I miss her, a lot. and I miss her more when I'm with her. It's not ok. I can't ok, I really can't. I don't let people in often, or easily. I don't. And then. This. And just. Losing someone that means more to me than actual Family, it's... Not ok, it's really not.
Admittance #3: I know. From. Her Actions. From her words. From the universe at large. The boat's sailed, she does not consider me even a friend on an average day, an acquiantance, and treats me as such. On a good day she does, but to quote Will, I get a friend "less than 20% of the time" and I pick up on it regardless of whether or not I'm conscious of why it bothers me, and it does. And it just... I'm sorry but it hurts to all high hells. It hurts to give someone everything you have to give, and, get nothing.
Admittance #4: I haven't forgiven myself. I haven't forgotten. I'm a terrible human being. I am. I... Everything that's ever happened between us, I can't forget, and I can't forgive my mistakes. I can't forgive squandering it all away, I can't. I'm so sorry, more sorry than I can imagine. I owe an infinite number of apologies to Ashley, for what I've done, and hope one day she can forgive me, and I owe myself equally as many for being such a terrible person and not doing what I should have done, not staying with her, for being a dumb ass. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that. I've spent the past year doing everything in my power to make up for what I've done, to rebuild what was once there, to try to do it stronger. but it just. It's not enough. It'll never be enough. I'll never be enough.
Admittance #5: I love her. She doesn't care about me. Not anymore. And that's why it hurts so much. I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry, all I have to left to offer are words because I'm out of actions, I've done everything in my power. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry