So. To this date, nobody has/will read this other than 1ish people? WHICH IS WHY I TREAT THIS AS MY PERSONAL CRYFEST. Because outside of this, only one individual has bitching rights, because he's the only one who hears any part of it xD So, thats why I'm doing this one. In a response, whether warranted or not, and, as a clarification to myself, because, as Abstract ideas floating around in my head, all's fine and dandy, but as I write things out, I feel like my brain is a hungry lioness on the prowl and pounces at all opportunities. Pounces at the chance to create mental links, links that can't otherwise be creative at traditional thinking speed, because it's too fucking fast. VS slowing oneself down to the physical limitations of one's body and technology xD
ANYHOO.
There is a significant difference, between who we view ourselves as (the self) and how the world views us (the mirror-self). There is a socio/psychological principle, that states the person who makes up the being that is oneself, is not just how that individual views himself, but how others view them. It's why we're capable of predicting and in some cases carry out conversations with individuals in our heads, because we too hold a piece of them, and they hold a piece of us. In theory anyways. The fact is that how an indivudal perceives himself, and how the world perceives them, are two radically different things.
The individual understands his motives, his direction, his start. Whether it is accurate or not, matters not, for as far as the self goes, one will always think one is accurate, because who is to judge? None but the self. In theory, anyways. So that said, we have this image of who we are, the good, the bad, etc.
But then there's how we think the world views us. How we believe the collective consciousness of the world reacts to the entity that is us. This view, is not only usually the harsher of the two, it's the one that people like myself, who suffer from the duality of both believing we're inherently decent (or in some cases better, aka ego) and we're also inherently a pile of shit. Because while we may meet our own, personal goals, we do not live in a vacuum. We can not live in a vacuum. We can not live without other living beings. But yet, those others hold a seperate view of what we've coined as reality, so what gives?
Some people, manage to re conciliate the two, and turn the shortcomings into goals. Or just accept it, and ignore the world. These people we tend to see as egotistical or highly self-depreciating, (note: OR, not AND, || != & != + [Fuck off, programming]) because they will accept one view as law, and end it there. Others can't discard either, but also can't settle on one. Because both are equally viable views, and both views are, to some extent, true. And they always will be because WE DO NOT EXIST ENTIRELY WITHIN OURSELVES. We always be influenced by our surroundings, which includes how others perceive us as.
Now, holding these two views, creates the AND scenario of both being proud/narcisstic, AND self-depreciating because hey, there's gotta people that hate us, there's gotta be people that we're below, there's gotta be things we just fail at, and goals we failed at. So which do we judge ourselves by? Who knows.
I'm in the last group, nowadays at least. To an extent? I know, from having done it in the past, that if you feign something long enough, it slowly becomes true, as far as personality aspects go. So I've undergone a transformation these past few years, one I can tell. I've always been something of a jerk, I know this. But it's never been substantiated? I started college with the full idea of breaking out of my shell and radically change who I was. To what? Fuck, I didn't know, but I knew that it wasn't going to be who I was prior. I can say that I honestly hated myself, and I knew I had no value, to myself or otherwise. Around those whom I hung out with, at the time being strictly online, it was easy to hide this, to some extent. It was also hard to believe anything I said, so there was never any confidence.
Now, in college, it doesn't matter what I do or say, I throw myself at things with the full force of who I am, and my believes, behind it. I constantly destroy my comfort zone and force it to reform. Is it smart? Probably not. What I've created is, a world where I do not know who I am. I do not know who I am because nobody knows. If two people described my personality, you could very easily complete opposite descriptions, and they wouldn't know they'd be talking about the same person.
I... Forgot where I was going with this? And also, am increasingly realizing exactly how... For lack of a better phrase, how much I've lowered myself, in terms of intellectual ability, to "fit in." Because I know I'm full and well capable of roflstomping the living shit out of everyone around me in intellectual matters, but, that doesn't yield remotely positive results. And I knew this, and I hid it. But as a result, I don't get as much practice, so I've gotten rusty, and I've gotten accustomed to dealing, and being with, dumbasses, that the one aspect of myself I was always sure of, I couldn't be anymore. I HAVE made strides in repairing this in the past few months. This time last month I first realized this, and as a result I made the conscious decision to regain at least some of it, and if I piss off some of the blubbering dumbfucks that surround me, so be it. And of course, it has, but I quickly decided that I don't want people that I have to dumb myself down for to that extent, around me.
Idk. Life.
Look down, look down!
Don't look them in the eye!
Look down, look down,
You're standing in your grave.
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