Alcohol?

"Here you go talking again about getting drunk, and yet you say you would kill yourself if you weren't smart" - Ashley

Erm. She said this a few days ago, and it kind of smacked me in the face all too strongly. I mean. I'm still drinking right now, but, it took a while before I touched alcohol again, and only because today was a day that can just go fuck itself.

But, idk. It kind of really smacked me in the face. It's not that I'm not aware of it, or that it hasn't been said before. It's just never been said that... bluntly? Idk. Am I harming myself for drinking as I do? Probably, I've probably already severely hurt myself. And I knew I was doing it, but why did I do it?

If I had to say why, it's because I just can't tolerate being me, some days. Some days being me is the last person I want to be, and I need help to get by. And I can't just say "Hey, look, I'm having a day where I really just want to kind of off myself" to anyone" so I just drink my sorrows away. That way I avoid curling up in bed and just sleeping the rest of the day away.

Or maybe it's because, I don't plan on living long enough for it to affect me? As morbid as it might be, I have never been able to see myself... Getting old. The fact I turn 21 in a week is crazy. Really crazy. There's one thing I want to ask for on that day, but we'll see if I have the werewithal. I never thought I'd live to hit 18, and I swore that hell would have to freeze over if I lived to 21. Yet here I am, and it's scary.

Why is it scary? For the same reason I can never see myself growing older than I am. Because, I have too many flaws, I can not deal with. The only things that keep me going is the knowledge that one day, I will no longer be harming people, I will no longer be a burden, I will no longer have to tolerate myself. I've spent too long working on who I am, trying to form myself into a person I like more, but it just, doesn't seem to happen. I can never be happy with who I am at the moment. There was one, short lived moment, where it happened, a year ago, for a couple months, and then everything just crashed and burned. Alas, c'est la vie. Is it not?

I just... Don't think myself competent, smart, or stable enough to hold a steady, individual existence after college. I'm scared, and with good reason to be. I feel like a failure. Because I know my potential, and I know I fail to meet that potential, and good enough is never enough for me. So I just... Can't...

Do or Do not. There is no Try. 

I guess, I just don't.

Still. There's a long way between now and my 30th. And considering I'm in a substantially better position than I was when I was 16, or 18, who knows. And I guess that's what keeps me going, because maybe, just maybe, there's a chance I'll continue progressing in a positive direction as a human being. And that chance is what I keep fighting for, what keeps me going, what stops me from doing something stupid. Maybe I'm not all that bad. But only time will tell.