I want to go back

I want to go back to simpler times.
Times where I knew what I was doing.
Or times when I didn't worry about people
Or times when I didn't care about myself
Or times when my future was too far for me to care
Or times when I didn't have a truckload of baggage to carry.
Or times when I was happy.
Or times when I didn't know.

Basically. I hate the now. That's not always been the case. But it is now. And it's scary, and terrible, and I hate it. And Idk how to handle it in the least.  I just. I'm confused. Really confused.

I wish I had more of an idea what I was doing. I wish I could link my mind to others and let them know the world as I see it, as I feel it, as I fear it. Maybe then, I'd feel less alone.

In other news, wrecking myself to make sure I continue to trust people, is hard. Really hard.

"Well, are you still holding on?"

Yeah Scott. I'm holding on.

Am I holding on well? Fuck knows. I'm dealing with things a day at a time. Taking my punches and dealing with it. I plan for things as they come, I plan for the mays and may nots, I plan for the impossible and the unavoidable. Not that any of it can prepare for me truly for life, but I pretend, and I struggle on.

I find it not a flaw, but one of the few positive traits I possess, the degree to which I find myself loyal. It may be taken to unhealthy extents at time, and it may cause me to keep people at arm's length, but it makes those few I let in that much more precious to me, that much more important. And thus I'll be loyal to those, as long as they'll accept me. Although it might be a side effect of me being pretty stubborn, but I'll take it.

I've never felt this naked before, before certain individuals, and that's fine. I chose to do it, and I'll stand by my decision. So far it's done nothing leaning towards biting me in the butt, but so be it. It's terrifying, and painful, but I'll deal with it.

I make decisions in hopes of them paying off, eventually. I'm trying to be a better person with everything I got. And it's hard. And too often I just want to throw in the towel say fuck it and crawl into my corner and sleep away the world, but, I'll keep on going on. Not sure for what, or why. But I do

So yeah Scott, I'm still in one piece. Thanks to you, and the handful of others I call friends.

Alcohol?

"Here you go talking again about getting drunk, and yet you say you would kill yourself if you weren't smart" - Ashley

Erm. She said this a few days ago, and it kind of smacked me in the face all too strongly. I mean. I'm still drinking right now, but, it took a while before I touched alcohol again, and only because today was a day that can just go fuck itself.

But, idk. It kind of really smacked me in the face. It's not that I'm not aware of it, or that it hasn't been said before. It's just never been said that... bluntly? Idk. Am I harming myself for drinking as I do? Probably, I've probably already severely hurt myself. And I knew I was doing it, but why did I do it?

If I had to say why, it's because I just can't tolerate being me, some days. Some days being me is the last person I want to be, and I need help to get by. And I can't just say "Hey, look, I'm having a day where I really just want to kind of off myself" to anyone" so I just drink my sorrows away. That way I avoid curling up in bed and just sleeping the rest of the day away.

Or maybe it's because, I don't plan on living long enough for it to affect me? As morbid as it might be, I have never been able to see myself... Getting old. The fact I turn 21 in a week is crazy. Really crazy. There's one thing I want to ask for on that day, but we'll see if I have the werewithal. I never thought I'd live to hit 18, and I swore that hell would have to freeze over if I lived to 21. Yet here I am, and it's scary.

Why is it scary? For the same reason I can never see myself growing older than I am. Because, I have too many flaws, I can not deal with. The only things that keep me going is the knowledge that one day, I will no longer be harming people, I will no longer be a burden, I will no longer have to tolerate myself. I've spent too long working on who I am, trying to form myself into a person I like more, but it just, doesn't seem to happen. I can never be happy with who I am at the moment. There was one, short lived moment, where it happened, a year ago, for a couple months, and then everything just crashed and burned. Alas, c'est la vie. Is it not?

I just... Don't think myself competent, smart, or stable enough to hold a steady, individual existence after college. I'm scared, and with good reason to be. I feel like a failure. Because I know my potential, and I know I fail to meet that potential, and good enough is never enough for me. So I just... Can't...

Do or Do not. There is no Try. 

I guess, I just don't.

Still. There's a long way between now and my 30th. And considering I'm in a substantially better position than I was when I was 16, or 18, who knows. And I guess that's what keeps me going, because maybe, just maybe, there's a chance I'll continue progressing in a positive direction as a human being. And that chance is what I keep fighting for, what keeps me going, what stops me from doing something stupid. Maybe I'm not all that bad. But only time will tell.

And so the clouds part, and life goes on.

Welp. Where to start?

OH HEY LOOK MY DIARY IS AN EMO FEST AGAIN. Why am I not surprised? Because I have people with which I can share the good with, but very few I feel comfortable with burdening with my problems. So I grab it all and I chuck at these pages, these posts. And I hope it's as cathartic as I want it to be. It's often not, but it helps things quiet down enough that I can move on. For the time being?

So what needs to be said? Idk. I revealed my hand. Not much more to say than that. This was a problem which, the only way I could possibly fix it, real time, in a lasting manner, was to play with my cards revealed. Was that a bright idea? We'll see. We shall see. But, other than that, not much more can be said. I'm out of moves, as per se, on the front that has been troubling me for all too long. The struggle, for better or for worse, is over at least for now. I've raised the sails and let the sea of fate take me as it will, for now. For these waters were too unpredictable and tricky. May Poseidon shine down upon us all, as it were!

I'm working on too much. I don't think I've slept much this past weekend, deciding to socialize instead of work and work instead of the sleep. I wish I had that picture that says "Choose two, Social Life, Sleep, Good Grades" on a triangle. Because it's accurate. Oh well, it's worth it, in the long run.

I wish I had more money.

And uhm. There's that bday party thing in a couple weeks. I'm on the one hand looking forwards to it, on the other hand, I fear the day for it marks the union of entirely too many... Volatile elements, as it were, in one confined area, with alcohol involved. Guess whose staying sober? This nigga right here.

Sup, Ash?

Hey Ash.

So, I want you to read this post, and whatever parts of this blog you can be bothered to read. I'm passing you this link and making you read it, for no reason other than that I want you to understand, if nothing else, one thing. You have always seen the real me. There are certain people, who I always let see the real me, so that they can keep me in check by simply existing. You've always been one of them. Just a few weeks ago, you told me you knew better than that, but apparently something changed. So even if you can't trust me, I trust you. And that, is enough for me.

You want actions? This is not only the best I can do, after this, I have nothing left to show you who I truly am, because this is it. This is the end of the line. The only other person that ever reads this, is Scott. That's it! I haven't shown one of these (I tend to cycle a new one every few years. The last one was filled with Tori shit, if you're so inclined to dig through it >_<) to anyone in a long time. But I trust you. So here. My collection of inner most thoughts, whinings, what have you. W/e. With this, I'm basically handing you my diary and a permanent key to my soul?

Know that I trust you, regardless of anything else. This is it. There are no masks beyond what I show here. No lies, no deceptions. I've tried my best to make sure you only ever see the "real" me, whatever that is, and this is the finish line. After this I have no more secrets hidden from you. Whether or not you want to believe it, is completely up to you. I physically can not do any more.

Now go, click a few links, skim a bit. Read around. Idk. Stuff.

Welp Vat Zee Fuck?

Shit goes down again and again, and this time I find myself more lost. I can find no fault in my actions, neither can those I've asked, but yet I stand before my accuser, judge, jury, and executioner, and my words fall on deaf ears. I think that might be my karma. Idk. I'm lost, confused, and can only form straight thoughts in between bouts of sheer agony and despair (YAY OPIATES IN THE BRAIN. Fuck)

I need help. Not sure for what, or from what, or why. But I know I need it.

What's going on?

There's something wrong, I know not what. It is something that festers within me, it is when matters of the heart and the social self overshadow the matters of the future. The future, which should be all one aims for, is currently being clouded. And despite being fully aware of it, and being aware that the cloud will move with elbow grease, it shall not budge. It shall not move away, it shall not relent, it shall not forget. It grows darker, and bigger, with every given day.

And still, full disclosure of the situation is made. Still, nothing is done. Not for a lack of trying, but for a lack of willpower. For a lack of willpower will always drown out one's attempts to fight against the opponent, whatever it may be.

But is it really an opponent? Possibly. If there was such a way that assimilating the cloud into the greater schema, would be possible, then there would be progress without the need for willpower. But such an option dose not seem to show itself. So nothing is left to be done, but to sit, and wait. Despite being fully armed to deal with it. To be able to regain forward momentum.

Nothing happens, and the cloud grows. It grows and it grows. To what end? Nobody knows. One would hope, rain. For after the rain, comes the sun. And thus one can move forwards again.

Stuck. Lost. Confused. Afraid.

Deathly Afraid.

Alone:

What do I mean by me saying Im alone? Whenever I say it around people, they're always like "Well stop being such a douchebag to everyone else" or "Stop pushing away" --- The Second I've been doing, but I have no intention of accomplishing the first, ever.

I don't /care/ about having a bunch of people to open up to. I don't want a bunch of friends. Because I hate most people, and most people are just flat out not worth my fucking time. Period. Idgaf. If I think someone IS worth my time, I make it a point to make them feel like I'm not hostile towards them, and I make it a point to be friendly to them and actually try around them, because I value their continued existence in my life.

But. What do I do when the people in my life that I've decided to let in and trust, keep me at arms length?

I don't know. I really don't, and it hurts, but there's nothing I can do about it. I have trust issues, and it takes certain people for me to be able to trust anyone, and just. Ugh...

I wish I could fix things. More than anything in the world.

I must not fear.Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain

Thoughts

In a moment of clarity, I find myself with the capacity to say this.

There is someone in this world, whom I dearly love. And, love is the right for word for it. In too many senses of the word. And it's a terrible feeling. Absolutely terrible. It's done me no good. It's confusing, it's agonizingly painful, it's astonishing.  I hate it. But I can't bring myself to do anything about it. I am not capable of causing myself that much pain. I am not capable of giving up that badly. I am not capable of burning bridges thoroughly enough.

Unrelated:
I regret many things I've done, and continue to. I feel, at times, I have little control over myself. I hate that too.

Unrelated:
I want to be better, so bad. I try. I do. But I fail. So it matters not.

Unrelated:
I apologize too much, sometimes.

Thought of the Day

Am I really unhappy?
-To what degree?
Better question.
-Are you confused?
Quite. I'd say I'm more confused than I am unhappy. But I hate being confused. So it feeds into the unhappiness.
-What confuses you?
Life. Stuff. Too much.

So. Thought of the day:
Why am I unhappy? Why am I confused?
                                How can I FIX it?

Discrepancies between the Self, and the Mirror-Self

So. To this date, nobody has/will read this other than 1ish people? WHICH IS WHY I TREAT THIS AS MY PERSONAL CRYFEST. Because outside of this, only one individual has bitching rights, because he's the only one who hears any part of it xD So, thats why I'm doing this one. In a response, whether warranted or not, and, as a clarification to myself, because, as Abstract ideas floating around in my head, all's fine and dandy, but as I write things out, I feel like my brain is a hungry lioness on the prowl and pounces at all opportunities. Pounces at the chance to create mental links, links that can't otherwise be creative at traditional thinking speed, because it's too fucking fast. VS slowing oneself down to the physical limitations of one's body and technology xD

ANYHOO.

There is a significant difference, between who we view ourselves as (the self) and how the world views us (the mirror-self). There is a socio/psychological principle, that states the person who makes up the being that is oneself, is not just how that individual views himself, but how others view them. It's why we're capable of predicting and in some cases carry out conversations with individuals in our heads, because we too hold a piece of them, and they hold a piece of us. In theory anyways. The fact is that how an indivudal perceives himself, and how the world perceives them, are two radically different things.

The individual understands his motives, his direction, his start. Whether it is accurate or not, matters not, for as far as the self goes, one will always think one is accurate, because who is to judge? None but the self. In theory, anyways. So that said, we have this image of who we are, the good, the bad, etc.

But then there's how we think the world views us. How we believe the collective consciousness of the world reacts to the entity that is us. This view, is not only usually the harsher of the two, it's the one that people like myself, who suffer from the duality of both believing we're inherently decent (or in some cases better, aka ego) and we're also inherently a pile of shit. Because while we may meet our own, personal goals, we do not live in a vacuum. We can not live in a vacuum. We can not live without other living beings. But yet, those others hold a seperate view of what we've coined as reality, so what gives?

Some people, manage to re conciliate the two, and turn the shortcomings into goals. Or just accept it, and ignore the world. These people we tend to see as egotistical or highly self-depreciating, (note: OR, not AND, || != & != + [Fuck off, programming]) because they will accept one view as law, and end it there. Others can't discard either, but also can't settle on one. Because both are equally viable views, and both views are, to some extent, true. And they always will be because WE DO NOT EXIST ENTIRELY WITHIN OURSELVES. We always be influenced by our surroundings, which includes how others perceive us as.

Now, holding these two views, creates the AND scenario of both being proud/narcisstic, AND self-depreciating because hey, there's gotta people that hate us, there's gotta be people that we're below, there's gotta be things we just fail at, and goals we failed at. So which do we judge ourselves by? Who knows.

I'm in the last group, nowadays at least. To an extent? I know, from having done it in the past, that if you feign something long enough, it slowly becomes true, as far as personality aspects go. So I've undergone a transformation these past few years, one I can tell. I've always been something of a jerk, I know this. But it's never been substantiated? I started college with the full idea of breaking out of my shell and radically change who I was. To what? Fuck, I didn't know, but I knew that it wasn't going to be who I was prior. I can say that I honestly hated myself, and I knew I had no value, to myself or otherwise. Around those whom I hung out with, at the time being strictly online, it was easy to hide this, to some extent. It was also hard to believe anything I said, so there was never any confidence.

Now, in college, it doesn't matter what I do or say, I throw myself at things with the full force of who I am, and my believes, behind it. I constantly destroy my comfort zone and force it to reform. Is it smart? Probably not. What I've created is, a world where I do not know who I am. I do not know who I am because nobody knows. If two people described my personality, you could very easily complete opposite descriptions, and they wouldn't know they'd be talking about the same person.

I... Forgot where I was going with this? And also, am increasingly realizing exactly how... For lack of a better phrase, how much I've lowered myself, in terms of intellectual ability, to "fit in." Because I know I'm full and well capable of roflstomping the living shit out of everyone around me in intellectual matters, but, that doesn't yield remotely positive results. And I knew this, and I hid it. But as a result, I don't get as much practice, so I've gotten rusty, and I've gotten accustomed to dealing, and being with, dumbasses, that the one aspect of myself I was always sure of, I couldn't be anymore. I HAVE made strides in repairing this in the past few months. This time last month I first realized this, and as a result I made the conscious decision to regain at least some of it, and if I piss off some of the blubbering dumbfucks that surround me, so be it. And of course, it has, but I quickly decided that I don't want people that I have to dumb myself down for to that extent, around me.

Idk. Life.

Look down, look down! 
Don't look them in the eye!
Look down, look down,
You're standing in your grave.