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I get it. I think. Do I? I don't know.

It may seem at times that the words that come onto this blog, repeatedly, are all depressing, and emo, and shit. Andw ell, that's because a very large portion of my day-to-day thoughts are fairly depressing. But also because I supress them, and let them build up. And it's hard. For me to admit... Sometimes. How weak I am.

I get it.

You don't care. And that's fine. That's perfectly acceptable. But. Why. I dont get why. I never knew it could hurt so much to care about someone. I never knew it could hurt so much to not be cared for by someone you dearly love. I feel abandoned. I feel betrayed. I feel like I scrwed up. I feel like somewhere down the line...

Fuck its let's be honest. That somewhere down the line is always. I always screw up. I always fuck up. I don'tget it. I don't know what else to do. It hurts. To feel so alone. Futility hurts. I don't know what to do. But Give up.

So this is me. Giving up.

Onwards unto the breach

Is basically how I feel about my life atm.

The antidepressants are slowly kicking in. But it's not making things any better because truckload of work is being dumped on my skull every day, from all across the board. It's a new feeling that I despise, and it's only made worse because I know that the only reason I'm there is because it's my fault, because I was depressed. I should have been stronger, is what I tell myself. I dont think I'll be bale to do everything I need to this semester, to keep my grades up. We'll see, but I doubt it. My grades have already plummeted real badly as a result of my depression, so getting them back up at this point, while not impossible, is unlikely. So. Shitballs.

And although the edge has gone off and I'm now capable of functioning, it's not really 100%, and it's not without it's interruptions of sheer agony. Idk what to do about it, or the new way of expressing despair that my body has. Idk why or how but I get strong pangs of despair, depression, loneliness, sorrow, etc, all at once. Briefly, never more than five minutes, but they hit like a ton of bricks. And they hit all of me, my body including. I feel sluggish when it happens and everything hurts as a result. Idk how to deal with it. It's just, painful.

I'm really, really tired. I feel like I'm not even walking forwards anymore, just, dragging my limp body as best I can.

I Still. Don't know. Who I am?

I want to know. I want to be ok with the answer. I want to be ok with myself.

But I just looked back, and y'know what I found?

I'm nothing. I'm a failure. And my life amounts to one big failure of me failing to do a damn thing properly. At what point can I stop trying? It's tiring. I can't. I can't keep moving forwards like this. Not like this.

I know people say that I'm doing decent, and that I've worked hard. But it's not. Not enough. I've never achieved a single thing I /wanted/ in life. Not a one. I always have to settle for third, or fourth best. I'm absolutely terrible. I can do better. But I never do. I always sabotage myself, on purpose or not. And it's terrible. And I'm terrible.

And I'm tired. I'm so tired.

Can I. Take a break yet?

At what point

Should I begin to stand up for myself?

I love her deeply, but she causes me, more often than not, more pain and sorrow than happiness. Her actions, despite her words, betray negative motivations. I'm torn between what to believe, and it continues to hurt. At the moment I'm stuck in a limbo of sorts, waiting on her to stop being angry at me for, what I'm supposing is calling her in the middle of the night? I'm sorry that I really badly needed someone, and thought I could rely on her.

Idk. So confused. So many emotions and I don't know how to deal with a single damn one of them. They take their toll and not-so-slowly tear me apart from the inside-out. And I have no way god damned way of dealing with them. Not right now, not while she's not willing to talk.

But is she ever willing to talk? Is the question. My greivances, if you will, are never addressed in anything remotely related to a civil manner. All attempts at civility are met with belligerence and an absolute unwillingness to cooperate. So what do I do? I don't know.

I'm confused, lost, and praying for a miracle. Praying harder than I should, forcing every ounce of mental capacity I have, into figuring this out. But I just. Can't. I don't know. I really don't.

How much longer can I go on without sleep, unable to keep food down, and in blinding emotional and mental pain?