I fucked up

Moving forwards

I need to try to keep on moving like I have... And I think I'm equipped to do it. I just. I just hope that I can continue to count on my friends, and those I deem as my best friends, as I do so.

I think... I think I've gained one of my best friends back, Ashley. I hope? Maybe? We'll see...

Nope. I'm a fabulous piece of shit.

What's really the matter with me?

I find myself wondering, often, in recent days, whats wrong with me.

I'm hyper: aware, anxious, and depressed. But why? I know stress is definitely a part of it. And if I had to be perfectly honest with myself, a large part of it is because of insecurities, loss, and uncertainty. This post, may be one of the more brutally honest posts I make on here, not sure yet, but that's what it's feeling like. Because I feel like there's a few posts that I'm intentionally vague about not fool any non-existent reader, but to fool myself. So here goes.

A lot of it revolves around Ash, and all the shit that goes on there.
Admittance #1: I've had to come to terms with the fact that I've been head over heels in love with her since I met her. I've repressed it before, and I'm sure I will again, but, that's a thing. It's confusing because it's just not ok. Not ok at all.
Admittance #2: I'll be honest, I had a 2 two hour crying fest last night between me and my pillow. I lost my best friend, I lost a sister. And having to come to terms with that sucks. I hadn't really registered it until she came back for a few days, where I felt like she was back, and just as quick as she was here, she left. And it made me aware of what was lost, and why it hurts so much. And why it's a source of a lot of issues. I miss her, a lot. and I miss her more when I'm with her. It's not ok. I can't ok, I really can't. I don't let people in often, or easily. I don't. And then. This. And just. Losing someone that means more to me than actual Family, it's... Not ok, it's really not.
Admittance #3: I know. From. Her Actions. From her words. From the universe at large. The boat's sailed, she does not consider me even a friend on an average day, an acquiantance, and treats me as such. On a good day she does, but to quote Will, I get a friend "less than 20% of the time" and I pick up on it regardless of whether or not I'm conscious of why it bothers me, and it does. And it just... I'm sorry but it hurts to all high hells. It hurts to give someone everything you have to give, and, get nothing.
Admittance #4: I haven't forgiven myself. I haven't forgotten. I'm a terrible human being. I am. I... Everything that's ever happened between us, I can't forget, and I can't forgive my mistakes. I can't forgive squandering it all away, I can't. I'm so sorry, more sorry than I can imagine. I owe an infinite number of apologies to Ashley, for what I've done, and hope one day she can forgive me, and I owe myself equally as many for being such a terrible person and not doing what I should have done, not staying with her, for being a dumb ass. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that. I've spent the past year doing everything in my power to make up for what I've done, to rebuild what was once there, to try to do it stronger. but it just. It's not enough. It'll never be enough. I'll never be enough.
Admittance #5: I love her. She doesn't care about me. Not anymore. And that's why it hurts so much. I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry, all I have to left to offer are words because I'm out of actions, I've done everything in my power. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry

Nope, we were right.

Was I wrong?

Something's been weighing on my mind, something that disappointed me and bothered me because it meant absolute futility. And resistance is also futile, as they say, so, I just went with it and accepted it. Someone told me something, and it rang of truths. It was dark and depressing, as truths often are.

But. I. Might have been wrong. If I was, I think I'd be ecstatic. And hopeful.

And THAT scares me. Hope has the bad habit of back firing on me. Every time I've been hopeful for any change, it doesn't happen, and I get slingshotted pretty far backwards. But. It's here and stuff. So whatever. Onwards we go. Yes?

This is, on a matter completely different from the revelation that occurred a couple nights, that broke the dam and left me pretty damn vulnerable. It is kind of related in a weird sense, but not really. Has nothing to do with the fact.

That moment when...

When you have to sit down and re-analyze one or more aspects of your realize because something that's always been in your face and you had begun to take for granted and get used to, once again flares to remind you exactly how important it is to you.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't spent the past 24 hours being bitchslapped by the facts of how important a certain someone is to me, how much they mean to me, and how easily I worried about them. Is worry about the right word? I knew they'd be fine (for the most part) and knew that it probably wasn't something bad, but still I worried. Not for any final state, but for the simple fact that they were in great pain. That alone made me worry and distressed. I wanted to be by their side and make their lives as comfortable as possible and do as much as I can.

I believe I did just that, and I'm glad that they're doing better now. So glad.

I just wish helping them hadn't come at the price of being smacked in the face by other things that needn't say the light of day.

Con and more.

Megacon was this past weekend. It was fun enough. Still. Wish I hadn't gone. Too many reasons why. Entirely too many reason. Had to stop running away from one lie I had been telling myself. Really wish I could avoid it, really wish I could go back to pretending it didn't exist. But the cat's out of the bag. So now I've got to start pushing everything back into it' "Doesnt Exist" closet. Because there are things in life that one has to deal with in the worst possible manner, because otherwise nobody wins. So that happened. Con was generally an ok experience with conecntrated, poignant moments of extreme depression that were substantiated.  Overall: No bueno.

On second thought. It really wasn't that bad. Wasn't that bad at all.

Can one ever truly make up for their sins against another? If you've wronged a person, is it ever possible to do right by them again? I don't think so. But I'm trying my best. Even if only to counteract the negative impact on their lives with an equal positive impact. Even if they don't recognize me, I'll keep trying. Not much else I can do.

On Logic Cannons and Emotions

Clarification: On AVERAGE, the only emotions I can claim to be genuinely capable of registering, are Anger and Sorrow. Sorrow comes easy, anger even more so. And they feed each other. Anger seems to be my default mode, not even on purpose, nor is there a reason for it, just is. And I am definitely capable of feeling the extremes of each.

But I've noticed, sorrow comes at the end of a failed Logic Cannon attempt. I tend to attempt to solve things first by powering up the logic cannon and firing, and I've realized something: Nobody likes logic, and nobody likes being told their emotional state is wrong. I mean it can be, and it often is, but nobody likes, and nobody responds in kind, and things get bad, and then when logic fails I go "Well Fuck wtf wtf wtf" and yay depression.

I seem to think that objective, flat logic, is undeniable. And yet, the human condition makes it easily deniable. And that frustrates me. And causes anger and sorrow. And I just give up.

So idk, I really don't know anymore. How to deal with people.

And yet I need to.

FML.

Who am I?

Just watched the sun go up. Had an interesting conversation with Vicky. Once again leaving me wondering, who am I?

There's a post a while back down, the mirror-self one, that basically sums itself up as "I'm who you think I am, who I think I am, and who I am." So, a whole bunch of flat out nothing. Because that's all there is to me: Nothing. I'm constantly disappointed with myself, no exceptions. No matter what I do, no matter what praise I may get, or lack thereof, I always am disappointed with my choices. I think it's just a factor of being "me"? There are admittedly things that I find myself being "ok" with. Not happy with, but, ok. Scenarios where things are physically and 100% out of my control, there's not much point in being disappointed, just gotta say "Ok" and move on.

But where does that leave me? Still moving forwards towards hell knows what. I have this idea, these words and outside constructs of what I should be aiming for, and so I do, but to what ends? What I want is to not feel alone. And yet, that is exactly how I feel of late. Perfectly and totally alone, and it drives me crazy. I both need and fear change. I need it because I bore of people, of my surroundings. But I fear it because those that I manage not to bore of, I dare not dream of losing. And yet still I live on in limbo.

I find myself ready to take risks on any number of things, except, they all require a second participant for it to occur, so I can't take any. So I stay in boredom. I stay in loneliness. And again, where does that leave me?

Yearning, hurting, waiting. That's where I'm at. For too many things.

There are things, things I am grateful for. People I am glad I know, people that I know can lighten my mood. And to them, I give my eternal gratitude, and love. I am not an easy person to know, nor am I someone who quite frankly gives a flying shit about most people, but there are some, that I do care about, that I try my best to make myself passable, friendly.

So it leaves me with friends, and yet it's not enough. Why? I don't think I know.

Because, I have doubts because I know that for all of them, I am always below someone else. So I can't be ok with it. If I am nobody's, even close to, #1, then it doesn't matter. Because that's the level of care and dedication I am capable of giving, it's that or nothing, and I get nothing in return regardless of what I put in. At least, it feels that way. Often.

So what do I feel?

That's another thing. I don't. There are things that should make me feel certain ways. But I seem to be unable of recognizing, or just flat out registering and feeling, too many emotions. So I try to logic them into existence. With mixed results. But more on logic later.

I'll leave it here for now. It's late, I'm tired. Gonna go nap then work on more Santi stuff.

Stress Life Sheisse

Too many projects, too much hw, not enough time. I try to enjoy myself with what time I can, but I'm well aware that every hour I spend not working on hw is an hour terribly used. But I'm aloud to have to have some fun, am I not?

Really wish I had friends that were you know, not fucking retarded. So I could go out to beaches/parks etc on days like this for the hell of it, and not people that I eithe rjust don't fucking want to deal with, period, or people that are like "EEK THE SUN" >_>

I also wish death upon all those who decided to make me lose an hour yesterday, fuck all of you whores for that.

I made a couple realizations these past few days. Their not macabre and miserable as usual, it'd be safer to refer to them as... sad, intriguing, and telling. Mainly sad. Or Pathetic. Your call. I'll make naother post about them later at some point. Eventually. I shall! Just, cba atm.

And don't you know I'm not a ghost anymore. You lost the loved I loved the most.

This song just showed up on pandora. Confusing feels. YAY FOR BEING HYPER-AWARE OF FUCKING EVERYTHING. Go away. Just die in a fire pandora, gdiaf.

I guess.

I'm coming to the realization. That. Even I need someone to show me a little bit of affection. Every now and again. It rarely happens. Actually it flat out almost never happens. And I don't think I can keep on going on feeling like I'm fighting a battle by myself, my closest allies to far away to do a damn thing. it gets old, and tiring. And I forgot how much it sucked.

Please come back.

Oh lookie

Me: Next time you call Ash a bitch queen in front of me, idc why, you can safely forget I exist.
L: Wait what?
L: Seriously? Cause treats you like crap and thats not right. But I won't say anything in your presence.
Me: Idc. I still care about her so, that's that.
L: But why? She uses you!
Me: I know
L:So why do you care about her so much?
Me: because I do? It's really quite simple
L: But it's not logical
Me: I love her to death. Everyone deserves at least one person, outside of their family, that'll unconditionally care for them. That's it. No more to it.
L: But nobody deserves to put their heart and soul into a person and have it thrown around repeatedly.
Me: *Shrug* If that's so then its my cross to bear. She put up with me before, repaying the favor is the least i can do.

Copy/Pasta from a Text message conversation I just had with someone. I don't think I'm doing anything out of the norm, or anything special. I don't see why standing up for one's friend is such a big deal. Idk. Maybe I'm craycray.

Fall out from it? Three people are now yelling at me. Sigh :/

Welp

Stress levels are tumbling clear out of control. They're not going to stabilize. Idk, the anxiety's getting to me but I have to keep on moving onwards. Too much work, it's getting harder to handle, but I have to. Just, gotta make it through.

I often find myself asking: Why? If, I feel so unbelievably alone, what am I aiming for? Why am I aiming for it? I don't know anything anymore. I really don't, and it's starting to tax me, bad. Tired of everything, really badly.

This paragraph was going to be a list of things I want to do, a list of things I want to move on for, but I guess there's not? I couldn't name anything, despite how hard I tried. The only thing I look forward to is an end. And a new beginning, I guess. But both vague, and impossible and only going to grow more so. I don't enjoy anything anymore.

UGH THIS STRESS IS GETTING TO ME. Stress and one other thing is just making me batshit crazy. Fuck all these noises. Fuck it ALL. I'm gonna go take a nap.