Nights like these...

Its on nights like these, that it comes back, just for a while, just long enough. Long enough to do something like this. To write, to text, to talk. Words best left unsaid. Thoughts best left forgotten. Hopes best left dead.

But such statements are morose and vague, without any seeming base. But alas, what is tonight but new years eve! Time for people to be around their families, their loved ones, to welcome the next cycle of the Earth's cycle around the sun. A time when those of us who are irreconcilably alone to dwell on our thoughts. To imbibe ourselves to the point, not where we're gone, but to the point where we can see, with a calm and composed mind, the mental habitat which we have dug out for ourselves. And the social manifestations of such housings.

The state of self-imposed, conscience or not, emotional hermitdom, and social death. Such is the state in which I live. I am forever to look out from window upon the world, glancing the concepts of love and companionship from afar, but never quire making them tangible, regardless of attempts made. And even if we wish to break free of this state, it is nigh impossible. In my case, it's because I'm an incompetent idiot whom also suffers from a terrible lack of confidence. The two make for a sorry state.

And yet, as I sit and watch, I yearn so much for the outside. But it doesn't exist. Try as I may, for me, it does not exist. The door opens and chaos comes in before ultimately the darkness engulfs, and all is reset to where it was before.

So it is on nights like these, that thoughts dwell on the door, what lay beyond it, and the sorrow one's existence brings.

So

There was going to be a long thought out post here about stuff in general, and then I decided no. Within a few hours/days I'm going to begin the absolute hell that is going to be by personal Coding Nightmare. So no thinking. No. Not yet. Fuck that.

Hey Life

Hey, 'sup?

Ya know, it's funny, absolutely terribly hilariously awful even, my life is. I bust my balls through high school, and I bust my balls on classes I deem importance, and for some reason my intellect fails to warn me that other classes I have to take not only exist, but are important,

By this, I mean. I will officially be unable to return to UT *Unless I take out a fucking 11grand loan*. By a total of .01 on my GPA. Fantastic. Such is life, I believe. And no one to blame but me, myself, and I. I have to pray I break all odds and UCF is a viable option after UT derped it up hardcore and UCF did not co-operate with them at all. UT sends out final grades on the 19th. UCF ceases operating on the 21st till the 2nd... When mandatory orientation starts, and UCF won't tell me if I got in till they go over my final transcript, which, may not be till after the 2nd. Guess whose boned. This guy. Whose to blame? Me.

(Pandora, I doth love thee)

Seriously. What am I doing with my life. I have to wonder because, seriously. Where am I going? Why? I have delusions of being an awesome programmer, and while I don't sell myself short on my potential (picked up Java in 3 days a few years ago. Like, bullshittery magic everywhere) but that's all I really have. Potential. I  don't have drive, or talent per se, or anything. I'm just a terrible human being. I want to bottom out full out. I want life to stop, and let me catch my breath. I'm so gone and done with everything. Ugh, I'm confused and lost and I need change but I fear it and at the same time welcome it but don't want the change that's presented me.

What do I want? I want to graduate at UT. Follow these lines of Jobs I'm getting, and see where I go from there. I want to keep these people in my life, but I'm afriad.

I don't want to be alone again. I couldn't handle it. but by having to transfer, I'll be alone again. And I'm afraid I'll just withdraw again and be a complete recluse, and that's a miserable existence by any stretch of the imagination.

I need someone. I really do. I'm not strong. I haven't been for a length of time. I can't pretend like I can shoulder it all. I can't. Everyone around me thinks there's like five million walls between me and everyone else, and the few that don't, are causing so much drama its not worth it. So I have to deal with everyone thinking I'm, and I quote "incapable of going through emotional pain" and "not having two fucks to give about anything"

It's my fault though. I done burried that hatchet myself, after letting people see me at my worst, I retreated from that like a brick.

I'm lost. So. So very lost.

Adele's Someone Like You

Came on Pandora just now. Never really paid any attention to the lyrics so I decided to look them up...

NOPE.AVI. NO TEARS HERE NOPE NOT A GOD DAMN ONE..

damn it. All the tear. all the tears everywhere ._.

"I'll be coming home, just to be alone"

Home - Three Days Grace

Sums up what I'm thinking about my winter break. But not what I'm thinking about atm, I guess. I just turned on Pandora and those lines blared at me and omg the feels and nothx.

So. What AM I thinking about? I don't know. The Ash thing is still bothering me to dicks and back. Like, not actively, but whenever she's mentioned/I run into her it just flares back with strong senses of wtf is going on here and just ugh. I don't know. I want an out.

And as far as everyone else on campus... I don't really know. I don't know where I belong, /if/ I belong. I don't know if anyone even gives two fucks about me around me. Correction - I do know: They don't. Is that depressing? I don't think so. I don't care about anyone with the exception of a couple people. I don't know why or how or what or ugh just... Brain, why you asking me why to all these things?

I'm sorry. To everyone. For being me? I don't know... Angst, angst everywhere.

Dear self: You're not a teenager anymore, you have real life bearing down on you with the force of a thousand fucking Touhou Extra Stage Bosses. Man up.

Ugh.

I wish.

I wish I wasn't such a miserable and fantastic screw up.
I wish I had just a little (lot) more ability to be empathatetic.
I wish I could read the minds of those I care about.
I wish I was more patient...
I wish I wasn't me.
I wish everyone would hate me.
I wish... I'd be left alone, and chucked aside.
I wish people would treat me like I feel...
I wish... I wish to be alone, forever. To cry a thousand and one times and to forever be miserable. Because that's the fate I deserve. That's the life I've earned. So people, stop evading me, and hit me with the worst that you got, life.
I wish that everyone would stop lying to me, and throw in my face exactly how much of a drealful person I am...
I wish the worst on me, and me alone.
I wish to be able to burden the worries of everyone around me.
I wish to be able to siphon all the pain, misery, and despair those I care about experience.
I wish to be capable of atoning for my "sins"

Well?

What do you want me to say? Seriously. Open question. To everyone and anyone. 

I don't what to do anymore. I haven't for a long time. I don't know what to say, or do, or anything. I don't know anything anymore. I used to think I had answers, I had explanations, I had reasons! Now? I don't know is the only way I can answer anything. I can't answer anything because I don't know HOW to answer it, because I've just seen the same thing so many times, from so many sides, and I know I still have so many more to go, that I know whatever I say will be so woefully inadequate to what life may hold in the future that it's not worth saying. 

I'm moving forward for no reason other than it's easy. It's what's in front of me. And it's what at one point I deemed to be the best for my future. I enjoy what I do, despite the fact that sometimes it's most definitely not easy. But I couldn't explain why I do it. Because I feel I have to? Because I feel I need to? Because I have something to prove to the world? I don't know.

And then there's my social life. My friends. Those whom I love deeply, and yet said love gets repaid with vicious hate in some cases. One in particular... I just... Don't know. And it frustrates me that I don't know how to deal with it, how to explain it, how to move forward with it. I've adopted the approach of just letting it rot away, let the bridge rot if the other party doesn't feel like caring for it, I just don't know anymore. 

So much pain. Repeatedly. So much anger. Down a path all too well paved. And for what? Can I say I've learned anything? Can I say I've gotten any better at dealing with it? I obviously haven't gotten better at avoiding it, or putting myself in better situations, or associating with better people. Or maybe there's an inevitability to it all that I just can't see? I just don't know.

Why do I anger, why do I hurt, why do I care? For what? The end is the same. And the start is too. It's a cycle that leads me to ask...

What am I doing? 

Why-

So, I'm writing this as an

A...

Hey...

Renewal

This things back. So. Yeah.

Letters To:

friends, peeps in general. Will be posted soon, cuz i have too many thoughts for too many people stuck in my head that I know I'll never get out BECAUSE LULZ TIMING.

So ... a few of those wills tart cropping up soon

FOR NOW SHENANIGANS.

THAT IS ALL.

Crying.

In a pool of my tears for those I miss.
For those I've left behind.
For those whose voice will forever haunt my mind.

Because of all the things I've lost.
All the goals I've failed.
All the blood and sweat lost.

Because I'm scared of what may come
Scared of losing
Scared of staying.

Wanting to see them, just once more.
Just once. Even the thought is enough,
to leave me.

Crying.

Am I Ok?

Everytime I hear someone ask me "Are you ok?" or "What's wrong?" I just feel like slapping someone because the real answer has always been the same, and everyone knows it, so why bother asking.

Whats wrong? The fact some of the closest friends I've ever had, people I miss dearly and love and wish I could still be around, I won't be able to be around again because fuck life. I had finally found a place where I was happy with people whom I liked, and vice versa. I was content, happy even. The fact I can't go back, and that I'm stuck in hell with my parents is just... So mind boggling depressing i don't think anyone can fathom how bad it is.

I've fixed bridges that I thought I would never fix, and I was really happy at first, until I realized that all it's going to do is hurt more because I cna't take full advantage.... I have to start over again and that scares the living fuck out of me, because I generally suck at everything I try doing and fail miserably. I succeeded once, pretty sure it was a fluke, and that I'll never do it again.

It's not ok. I promise I'm not ok. I've lost all motivation to do everything and anything and it's really hard to do anything that's not mind numbingly boring, or sleeping. I can't... I've just hit a point where I'm just so done with fighting and trying and everything that I think I've hit the end. I'm done because everything I try blows up in my face regardless of what is done. Learned helplessness FTW. Add on top of it the ridiculous ammount that I miss two people and it's just... Too much to bear. I can't deal with it. I just can't.