I don't what to do anymore. I haven't for a long time. I don't know what to say, or do, or anything. I don't know anything anymore. I used to think I had answers, I had explanations, I had reasons! Now? I don't know is the only way I can answer anything. I can't answer anything because I don't know HOW to answer it, because I've just seen the same thing so many times, from so many sides, and I know I still have so many more to go, that I know whatever I say will be so woefully inadequate to what life may hold in the future that it's not worth saying.
I'm moving forward for no reason other than it's easy. It's what's in front of me. And it's what at one point I deemed to be the best for my future. I enjoy what I do, despite the fact that sometimes it's most definitely not easy. But I couldn't explain why I do it. Because I feel I have to? Because I feel I need to? Because I have something to prove to the world? I don't know.
And then there's my social life. My friends. Those whom I love deeply, and yet said love gets repaid with vicious hate in some cases. One in particular... I just... Don't know. And it frustrates me that I don't know how to deal with it, how to explain it, how to move forward with it. I've adopted the approach of just letting it rot away, let the bridge rot if the other party doesn't feel like caring for it, I just don't know anymore.
So much pain. Repeatedly. So much anger. Down a path all too well paved. And for what? Can I say I've learned anything? Can I say I've gotten any better at dealing with it? I obviously haven't gotten better at avoiding it, or putting myself in better situations, or associating with better people. Or maybe there's an inevitability to it all that I just can't see? I just don't know.
Why do I anger, why do I hurt, why do I care? For what? The end is the same. And the start is too. It's a cycle that leads me to ask...
What am I doing?
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