"I'll be coming home, just to be alone"

Home - Three Days Grace

Sums up what I'm thinking about my winter break. But not what I'm thinking about atm, I guess. I just turned on Pandora and those lines blared at me and omg the feels and nothx.

So. What AM I thinking about? I don't know. The Ash thing is still bothering me to dicks and back. Like, not actively, but whenever she's mentioned/I run into her it just flares back with strong senses of wtf is going on here and just ugh. I don't know. I want an out.

And as far as everyone else on campus... I don't really know. I don't know where I belong, /if/ I belong. I don't know if anyone even gives two fucks about me around me. Correction - I do know: They don't. Is that depressing? I don't think so. I don't care about anyone with the exception of a couple people. I don't know why or how or what or ugh just... Brain, why you asking me why to all these things?

I'm sorry. To everyone. For being me? I don't know... Angst, angst everywhere.

Dear self: You're not a teenager anymore, you have real life bearing down on you with the force of a thousand fucking Touhou Extra Stage Bosses. Man up.

Ugh.

I wish.

I wish I wasn't such a miserable and fantastic screw up.
I wish I had just a little (lot) more ability to be empathatetic.
I wish I could read the minds of those I care about.
I wish I was more patient...
I wish I wasn't me.
I wish everyone would hate me.
I wish... I'd be left alone, and chucked aside.
I wish people would treat me like I feel...
I wish... I wish to be alone, forever. To cry a thousand and one times and to forever be miserable. Because that's the fate I deserve. That's the life I've earned. So people, stop evading me, and hit me with the worst that you got, life.
I wish that everyone would stop lying to me, and throw in my face exactly how much of a drealful person I am...
I wish the worst on me, and me alone.
I wish to be able to burden the worries of everyone around me.
I wish to be able to siphon all the pain, misery, and despair those I care about experience.
I wish to be capable of atoning for my "sins"

Well?

What do you want me to say? Seriously. Open question. To everyone and anyone. 

I don't what to do anymore. I haven't for a long time. I don't know what to say, or do, or anything. I don't know anything anymore. I used to think I had answers, I had explanations, I had reasons! Now? I don't know is the only way I can answer anything. I can't answer anything because I don't know HOW to answer it, because I've just seen the same thing so many times, from so many sides, and I know I still have so many more to go, that I know whatever I say will be so woefully inadequate to what life may hold in the future that it's not worth saying. 

I'm moving forward for no reason other than it's easy. It's what's in front of me. And it's what at one point I deemed to be the best for my future. I enjoy what I do, despite the fact that sometimes it's most definitely not easy. But I couldn't explain why I do it. Because I feel I have to? Because I feel I need to? Because I have something to prove to the world? I don't know.

And then there's my social life. My friends. Those whom I love deeply, and yet said love gets repaid with vicious hate in some cases. One in particular... I just... Don't know. And it frustrates me that I don't know how to deal with it, how to explain it, how to move forward with it. I've adopted the approach of just letting it rot away, let the bridge rot if the other party doesn't feel like caring for it, I just don't know anymore. 

So much pain. Repeatedly. So much anger. Down a path all too well paved. And for what? Can I say I've learned anything? Can I say I've gotten any better at dealing with it? I obviously haven't gotten better at avoiding it, or putting myself in better situations, or associating with better people. Or maybe there's an inevitability to it all that I just can't see? I just don't know.

Why do I anger, why do I hurt, why do I care? For what? The end is the same. And the start is too. It's a cycle that leads me to ask...

What am I doing? 

Why-

So, I'm writing this as an

A...

Hey...

Renewal

This things back. So. Yeah.