Hey Life

Hey, 'sup?

Ya know, it's funny, absolutely terribly hilariously awful even, my life is. I bust my balls through high school, and I bust my balls on classes I deem importance, and for some reason my intellect fails to warn me that other classes I have to take not only exist, but are important,

By this, I mean. I will officially be unable to return to UT *Unless I take out a fucking 11grand loan*. By a total of .01 on my GPA. Fantastic. Such is life, I believe. And no one to blame but me, myself, and I. I have to pray I break all odds and UCF is a viable option after UT derped it up hardcore and UCF did not co-operate with them at all. UT sends out final grades on the 19th. UCF ceases operating on the 21st till the 2nd... When mandatory orientation starts, and UCF won't tell me if I got in till they go over my final transcript, which, may not be till after the 2nd. Guess whose boned. This guy. Whose to blame? Me.

(Pandora, I doth love thee)

Seriously. What am I doing with my life. I have to wonder because, seriously. Where am I going? Why? I have delusions of being an awesome programmer, and while I don't sell myself short on my potential (picked up Java in 3 days a few years ago. Like, bullshittery magic everywhere) but that's all I really have. Potential. I  don't have drive, or talent per se, or anything. I'm just a terrible human being. I want to bottom out full out. I want life to stop, and let me catch my breath. I'm so gone and done with everything. Ugh, I'm confused and lost and I need change but I fear it and at the same time welcome it but don't want the change that's presented me.

What do I want? I want to graduate at UT. Follow these lines of Jobs I'm getting, and see where I go from there. I want to keep these people in my life, but I'm afriad.

I don't want to be alone again. I couldn't handle it. but by having to transfer, I'll be alone again. And I'm afraid I'll just withdraw again and be a complete recluse, and that's a miserable existence by any stretch of the imagination.

I need someone. I really do. I'm not strong. I haven't been for a length of time. I can't pretend like I can shoulder it all. I can't. Everyone around me thinks there's like five million walls between me and everyone else, and the few that don't, are causing so much drama its not worth it. So I have to deal with everyone thinking I'm, and I quote "incapable of going through emotional pain" and "not having two fucks to give about anything"

It's my fault though. I done burried that hatchet myself, after letting people see me at my worst, I retreated from that like a brick.

I'm lost. So. So very lost.