So

My mind's been doing this... Thing, recently. This spiral into nowhere, not down, not up, just going around in circles with no real purpose. It's been chaotic, and focusing and shit was really hard. Like within the spiral there were downs and shit, and it was all stemming from weeks of introspections and selfrealizations. Also stress is a bitch.

But I felt like the plug on the cyclone's been pulled, and it's all going down, down, down, down.

So here I go, again.

That feel when you wake up...

... And want to be everyone but yourself.

Alicia

My time with Alicia draws to a close, and I kind of both want it to end so I can go about my own life, but I don't.

Because she really is a good friend, and the whole friends with  benefits things with her is perfect for me. And I'm going to miss her. I realized last semester not having easy access to cuddles makes me a really sad mofo. Yay? No Idk. I just... Need physical contact.FUCK.

Also its been a lot of fun... FML ._.

And yet, Time pays me no heed!

No matter how I pray, beg nor harass Father Time, he remains as unrelenting as ever. Much to my chagrin. But what am I to hope for, in all fairness? That the powers that be break the laws of time and space for me? That would be too much. And so I am at it's mercy. It rushes by too fast and yet crawls at the same time. The days feel like they can go on forever, and yet I find myself with not enough hours in the day.

And it leaves me scared. For I know the future will come, with whatever ills and boons it may, it will come. And I fear what comes, for I fear myself. I fear the consequences of my choices, I fear the choices I will have to make, I fear the life I lead. And yet it is the only one I have, so I must press forwards. Lost, confused, and scared. Oh ever so scared.

Maybe one day, I will find a place where I feel comfortable. But between now and then lay many days, many years probably! For I fear such a place will not exist for me, till I lie in my grave. For we all move forwards, in hopes of better days. But they never come. Tomorrow, will never be today. And so we will never find that which we look for, until we stop searching. And I am sad to say that my Today is the stuff of misery and hell, with no escape. 

So I fear time. For it will never pass fast enough, nor slow enough. 

Oh Dreams. How Terrible you are.

I dreamed last night. A pervasive, continuing dream, regardless of how often I woke up. And now I can't shake it while conscious. I can't shake it's impact, it's message, it's content. And I want nothing more than to forget it's existence. How cruel they were, and have been! For it is not the first of it's type in the past year, and I'm sure it won't be the last.

They show me a world that could have been. A world that could be. A world where something went right down the line... A world where I have not lost. At least. Not lost this in particular. This bit of hope, this bit of happiness, this bit of love. But no, alas, it is not to be. And yet how it haunts me so! Drives me mad in the wee hours of the night. Leaves me praying for more, paralyzed and blind, for fear of waking. As once vision has been restored to me, misery washes over me.

And yet life moves on. Nothing can be done about it now or ever, and such is life. So I wake, and go about my days, pretending they weren't there, knowing here on earth, it can never be so. Never. Not with that which haunts my dreams, nor any else. For such is a life that is not meant for me. Not meant for the wicked, for the busy, for the lost.

And yet I dream. And yet I wake. Neither, I am allowed to escape. Neither, offer me solace. And never will they. For such is life.