Nights like these...

Its on nights like these, that it comes back, just for a while, just long enough. Long enough to do something like this. To write, to text, to talk. Words best left unsaid. Thoughts best left forgotten. Hopes best left dead.

But such statements are morose and vague, without any seeming base. But alas, what is tonight but new years eve! Time for people to be around their families, their loved ones, to welcome the next cycle of the Earth's cycle around the sun. A time when those of us who are irreconcilably alone to dwell on our thoughts. To imbibe ourselves to the point, not where we're gone, but to the point where we can see, with a calm and composed mind, the mental habitat which we have dug out for ourselves. And the social manifestations of such housings.

The state of self-imposed, conscience or not, emotional hermitdom, and social death. Such is the state in which I live. I am forever to look out from window upon the world, glancing the concepts of love and companionship from afar, but never quire making them tangible, regardless of attempts made. And even if we wish to break free of this state, it is nigh impossible. In my case, it's because I'm an incompetent idiot whom also suffers from a terrible lack of confidence. The two make for a sorry state.

And yet, as I sit and watch, I yearn so much for the outside. But it doesn't exist. Try as I may, for me, it does not exist. The door opens and chaos comes in before ultimately the darkness engulfs, and all is reset to where it was before.

So it is on nights like these, that thoughts dwell on the door, what lay beyond it, and the sorrow one's existence brings.

So

There was going to be a long thought out post here about stuff in general, and then I decided no. Within a few hours/days I'm going to begin the absolute hell that is going to be by personal Coding Nightmare. So no thinking. No. Not yet. Fuck that.

Hey Life

Hey, 'sup?

Ya know, it's funny, absolutely terribly hilariously awful even, my life is. I bust my balls through high school, and I bust my balls on classes I deem importance, and for some reason my intellect fails to warn me that other classes I have to take not only exist, but are important,

By this, I mean. I will officially be unable to return to UT *Unless I take out a fucking 11grand loan*. By a total of .01 on my GPA. Fantastic. Such is life, I believe. And no one to blame but me, myself, and I. I have to pray I break all odds and UCF is a viable option after UT derped it up hardcore and UCF did not co-operate with them at all. UT sends out final grades on the 19th. UCF ceases operating on the 21st till the 2nd... When mandatory orientation starts, and UCF won't tell me if I got in till they go over my final transcript, which, may not be till after the 2nd. Guess whose boned. This guy. Whose to blame? Me.

(Pandora, I doth love thee)

Seriously. What am I doing with my life. I have to wonder because, seriously. Where am I going? Why? I have delusions of being an awesome programmer, and while I don't sell myself short on my potential (picked up Java in 3 days a few years ago. Like, bullshittery magic everywhere) but that's all I really have. Potential. I  don't have drive, or talent per se, or anything. I'm just a terrible human being. I want to bottom out full out. I want life to stop, and let me catch my breath. I'm so gone and done with everything. Ugh, I'm confused and lost and I need change but I fear it and at the same time welcome it but don't want the change that's presented me.

What do I want? I want to graduate at UT. Follow these lines of Jobs I'm getting, and see where I go from there. I want to keep these people in my life, but I'm afriad.

I don't want to be alone again. I couldn't handle it. but by having to transfer, I'll be alone again. And I'm afraid I'll just withdraw again and be a complete recluse, and that's a miserable existence by any stretch of the imagination.

I need someone. I really do. I'm not strong. I haven't been for a length of time. I can't pretend like I can shoulder it all. I can't. Everyone around me thinks there's like five million walls between me and everyone else, and the few that don't, are causing so much drama its not worth it. So I have to deal with everyone thinking I'm, and I quote "incapable of going through emotional pain" and "not having two fucks to give about anything"

It's my fault though. I done burried that hatchet myself, after letting people see me at my worst, I retreated from that like a brick.

I'm lost. So. So very lost.

Adele's Someone Like You

Came on Pandora just now. Never really paid any attention to the lyrics so I decided to look them up...

NOPE.AVI. NO TEARS HERE NOPE NOT A GOD DAMN ONE..

damn it. All the tear. all the tears everywhere ._.